I apologize in advance for this rather depressing post – but it has been a rather depressing day and I am not sure that I can get through it without writing. I have come to learn that writing to me is as necessary as air to breathe.
I find myself floundering today. I’m not sure if it is because my eldest is moving into her own house this weekend — a house! Not an apartment, nor a town home. But rather she and her husband and child – my granddaughter – are becoming full time mortgage owners of a beautiful house. And I find myself rather jealous of their perfect floor plan – and rather incredulous that I am this old. No longer will Christmas mornings be celebrated here — they will be celebrated there. And that is natural – and upsetting all at the same time.
And I find myself remembering that this time last year Mom was placed on hospice. And we had no idea what that meant or what form that would take. But by March 26th she would be gone. And there was a part of me that was rather relieved. I would no longer be the primary care giver and I could relax and focus on my own family for a while. And instantly the guilt set in. I should never have been relieved at my mother’s death.
And here I am nearly 11 months to the day and I have finally allowed myself to grieve that I no longer have a mother to care for me. I am the sole caregiver. I am the mother – and the grandmother – of the family. And don’t think I like that pressure-filled role.
And I find myself at odds with school. I have had three students quit my Brit Lit class in the past week. I only had 16 students to start. I think that must be some kind of record – and not a record that brings pride. I love Brit Lit and give my heart and soul to this class and yet….it just isn’t enough. I don’t reach them all. And I desperately want to.
And I find that I can’t find a book to read! Me — the lover of all things literary with a nook filled to the brim with unread books of every genre. But I haven’t read a book in nearly a year and that is rather distressing to me. That is what inspired this blog in the first place.
And I wonder ….. have I passed my prime? Is it all downhill from here? I sure hope not…but I fear so.