It is my sincere hope to express my personal gratitude to each and every one of you who took the time to comment on my previous post. Your outpouring of compassion and empathy has touched me in a way that I never expected from an “impersonal” online community.
As a very brief possible explanation for the rather depressing post….I had been given a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to help me face the oral surgery that I had on Tuesday. I have a true phobia of dentists and I consider myself quite fortunate to have found one who cares as much about my mental well-being as his pocketbook. However I do wonder whether these drugs contributed to my Debbie Downer Thursday. I, who never take anything stronger than Excedrin (and only after I have dealt with migraine pain for over four hours) might have experienced a bodily rebellion of this foreign substance in my bloodstream. Anyway…I don’t pretend to think that the issues that bothered me on Thursday are no longer a bother….but hopefully I have managed to put them into better perspective.
But today as I was reading through some photography books and experimenting with Photoshop Elements (which I feel I will never master) I was hit with another revelation, so to speak. Bear with me…..
On Thursday I was struck with the overwhelming need to write about my emotions. Not that I thought anyone cared nor that I expected any response – but I needed to write for me.
Lately I have felt the desire to learn photography. Not because I am seeking another career late-in-life nor that I feel I have any real talent in this area, but I have needed to learn how to slow down and view life around me through a 2.5 inch screen. And in doing that I have learned that a slight movement in perspective totally changes the image. What is cluttered in one picture will become a thing of beauty in another. I am learning that joy in life is entirely up to me — how I choose to view it. And if I don’t like the view, then it only requires a slight move here or there to change my mental outlook.
And so here is the revelation of this Sunday afternoon in February. Both writing and photography are creative ways that I can express myself. I have kept myself bottled up for so long. I’m not sure why — but I have not allowed myself to share my inner thoughts or feelings with anyone. And I guess after two plus decades of being moot, I now desire to find my voice.
Now for an impatient person such as myself, it is rather frustrating that I cannot write nor take pictures to my own satisfaction right out of the shoot — but I am also learning that some things do not have to be rushed. Just because I am over 50 does not mean that I have only months left (I have no idea where that thinking has come from)…..but the cool thing is that being over 50 means I have more free time than I ever have in the past. And I plan to use that free time to its fullest!
So thank you….for taking the time to let me know that the past few months have been stressful and I do need to cut myself a break. Thank you for reassuring me that my love of reading will return. Thank you for letting me know that I am not past my prime – and there is plenty of good life ahead. But most importantly, thank you for listening – and reading – and relating to my feeble attempt to find my voice.